I confessed to my friend I’ve been having an affair with her husband.
By - Bryanormike
Do not reach out ever unless she reaches out first. Assume the friendship is 100% dead as you are not her friend.
Don’t reach out ever? I would feel incredibly guilty and worried if I don’t make sure how she’s doing. I understand she may not want to talk to me right now, but I still care about her.
It's not about you though. Your feelings are irrelevant here.
You never cared in the first place to still care. You wouldn't have destroyed her life if you did.
You should have thought about that before you had an affair with her husband. You are no longer her friend, but now the other woman who has destroyed her marriage. You don't get to screw her husband and comfort her too.
Wow you seem self absorbed.
>I would feel incredibly guilty and worried if I don’t make sure how she’s doing
I'm 90% sure you're a troll, 10% think you're just emotionally deficient. So you're feeling guilty *now* about how she's doing, but didn't feel guilty **when you were fucking her husband.**
Question, and please take time to consider my question. Do you think people who have affairs in their marriage never cared about their spouse? Reconciliation can be done, does it mean they can’t feel guilty for what they did?
Sure, reconciliation can happen. But you're not the spouse. You're the person that fucked her spouse when you were supposed to be her friend. And if you genuinely thought reconciliation between them was possible, why would you make that harder by sleeping with him?
Over time yes. I think someone rapidly switching gears from "I'm fucking my friend's husband" to "oh no my poor friend, I feel bad for her" is full of shit. You chose to fuck her over, repeatedly. That was a **choice**. So you don't get to claim you give a shit about her feelings now.
Expect your not the spouse in the unhappy marriage your the friend who took advantage of it. Meaning your either A going to be the consent reminder if they reconcile or B the person she can't trust around her future partner. It is no longer up to you if you are in her life, she told you to leave that day its for her to invite you back in.
what in the actual fuck?
YOU ARE NOT THE SPOUSE. You are done in her life.
If you cared about her you wouldn't have had a affair with her husband.
No. Do not reach out. Do not violate her boundaries. You've already done that, immensely so.
Leave her alone.
Guilty and worried, and care about her??? You are the cause of her pain.
Man, fuck you, honestly. You are just trying to feel less guilty. If you ever cared you wouldn't have done that.
How many times in your life have you thought, “ I shouldn’t be doing this” but did it anyway?
Lol, you really are feeling guilty if you expect random people on the internet to reassure you like that. I will just say you deserve much more than this little suffering you are going through right now. You are really a shitty human being.
Literally never when it comes to infidelity. I have never cheated on anyone and never been complicit in cheating. Many opportunities have arisen over the years so I can confidently say that my moral compass does not allow for that.
There’s a massive difference between “I know I shouldn’t be cheating on my diet” and “I know I shouldn’t be cheating with my friend’s husband.”
Scum answer. That sort of shitty logic applies to diet cheating or sleeping in....NOT BREAKING UP A MARRIAGE AND SLEEPING WITH SOMEONES HUSBAND.
Quite a few times. Sometimes I eat chocolate late at night, or take a sick day from work and go on a hike. That's really, really not comparable to sleeping with your friend's husband, especially since this seems to have been an ongoing affair. You can maybe, *maybe*, use this "excuse" for a single incident, but definitely not if you repeatedly met up.
How about fuck off and where was all that guilt and care when you I don't know had the affair with her husband.
Look im sure this is a shitpost. So yea keep playing to the "being the good friend" who is a horrible person card.
You deserve all the guilt you feel, every single ounce of it.
Noted, but should this follow me around forever? I am seeking therapy for my issues. I’ve had relationship issues in the past, but I’ve never done anything like this. I want to move forward with my life eventually.
"follow ne around forever"
Its been, what, less than a week? This shit is at least AT LEAST a 2 year friendship shitpile if not an outright friendship permaban. Like come on don't complain about /how dreadfully long/ you must feel bad when you /JUST/ did it.
If you learn your lesson then you should be able to move on, but know youll never get the closure you seek. Assume you 100% burned those bridges and truly work on yourself, but dong expect closure.
you can move forward, you have too, but without your friend.
You can move forward with your life but don't expect your "friend" to be in it while you do.
If you were in her postion would you really be able to forgive and forget? Would be okay knowing that they are "terribly sorry" for you when they are part the reason you in a position to be felt sorry for? Would you appreciate being asked if you were ok again by the person who is part of the reason why your not okay?
Your care for her honestly is probably more of a burden than not reaching out. If you cared for her so much you wouldn't have had an affair with her husband to begin with. Your definition of care if just your own selfishness to deal with your own guilt. Im sorry but you'll definitely get smacked in the face 100x harder in the future for what you did to your friend. You shouldn't even be calling her your friend anymore.
Your stupid and did enough just stop I hate people like you
You clearly don't care about her or you wouldn't have slept with her husband.
I absolutely care about her. Have you been a perfect person? Are you telling me you’ve never done anything morally wrong, and then reflected on being a better person moving forward?
You’re saying this like the only options are “perfect person” and “having an affair with my friend’s husband.” There’s a vast middle ground of moral behaviors, some of which are simply lapses in judgment and some of which speak to deeper character flaws. Not all wrongs are created equal.
You lost the right to dictate the terms of your relationship with your former friend when you helped her husband betray his wedding vows and you crosses an unforgivable line in your friendship. I'm not perfect but I've never seduced a married man either, let alone my friend's husband.
You’re so selfish and you’re a shit friend. Leave her alone
You said it yourself: you would feel incredibly guilty. The key word being “**you**.” If you truly care about her, you need to realize that **you** wanting to reach out to her is still only about what **you** want and not about her. I understand wanting to make sure someone is okay, but be honest with yourself: does she really need someone who betrayed her right now, or would you only be reaching out to her because you want to make yourself feel better?
Yeah, you care enough about her to carry on a significant affair with her husband.
You’re trash, he’s trash, stay single for the rest of your miserable fucking life
A little to late to show some decency. Stay away from her. You're not the person she wants comfort from.
you should feel guilty, you had an affair with her husband. the best thing you can possibly do for her is let her set the terms of your friendship going forward, which will likely be that she never wants to speak to you again. reaching out to assuage your own guilt is selfish. leave her alone.
There is something wrong with you and I suggest you see a therapist because everything you do is for your benefit.
You may dress it up as concern and care for others, being brave etc etc but that is not the case. You care for no-one but you.
You are utterly toxic and your 'friend' / victim is well shot of you (and hopefully the husband as well).
You didnt care about her when you was fucking her husband. Dont lie to us. Live with the guilt forever.
You are incredibly guilty. It isn't her job to care for your little feelings.
You don't care about her. Be honest with yourself. You harmed her. Harmed her again by doing this in her home. Then you want her to assure you that you aren't monstrous. You are.
Are you a narcissist, a sociopath, or just stupid?
You RUINED HER LIFE. You FUCKED HER HUSBAND. you are a terrible friend and a terrible person.
You want to know how she’s doing? She’s doing terrible! Her husband had an affair with someone she trusted. What is wrong with you? Hope the fuck was worth it.
A. You are not her friend.
B. Under no circumstances should you be reaching out to her. No, she is not okay. And you are the last person she will want checking on her. Leave her alone.
>and I’m questioning if I should reach out to her to see if she’s ok.
No? I mean you should've worry about her before fucking her husband, so no need to worry now, you did the only good thing you could do already so leave her alone and move on.
No, you shouldn't absolutely NOT reach out. Do not contact her until she contacts you. Do not try to appease your own guilt by making things worse for her.
>I can only imagine the pain she’s experiencing right now. I would love to make sure she’s ok
Such a shame you didn't think about this when you were fucking her husband.
Leave her alone and let her deal with this betrayal however she sees fit.
Leave her alone, you did enough when you ended her marriage by having an affair with her husband. She doesn't need your pity.
Now that's the truth
You didnt have to tell her - you wanted to tell her.
You aren't some hero for telling her face to face and you certainly are not her friend and you never were.
Leave her and her husband alone and perhaps get some therapy.
You have done enough to her; any future contact needs to be her choice and done on her terms. If she doesn't initiate contact, leave her alone.
If you cared about her and wanted her to be ok, you wouldn't have cheated. Both yourself and her husband knew what you were doing, you destroyed a marriage. Don't contact her, you've done enough.
Yeah I would say you aren’t her friend anymore and you should avoid her.
Don't reach out, you have done quite enough damage for the day.
Do not reach out you killed that relationship, let it be completely and quit seeing and sleeping with her husband
Ya didn't seem to care this much when y'all were banging 🤷. TF you wanna contact her for? It's like rubbing salt and dirt in the wound to her. I'd be more worried about starting my car in the morning rn if I were you
You know you have betrayed your friend in the most destructive kind of way. The kindest thing you can do for her right now is vanish from her life forever.
Edit - I’ve reread your post. You’re either a troll, or a sadistic bitch.
I vote for SADISTIC BITCH
Why would you do that in the first place? Doesn't even matter if it is a friend or not. I can not imagine hurting someone willingly.
I don’t want to discuss this in detail, but it was for really selfish reasons.
Then why are you suddenly so sad for her. I don't think she is going to welcome you, so i don't suggest talking to her.
Leave the husband if it is not too late. It is a sin that you are doing.
What a fucking revelation
Ok, fine. You want to know why? I did it because in my perverted mind it was easy. It was a sick thrill I was seeking. I’ve had a crush on her husband for a while, and the fact that he accepted my advances the first time made it easy to do it again. I was also envious of her. In my mind, she had the perfect life and perfect partner; so I wanted a taste of that. It was also easily accessible, I didn’t have to go around getting my sexual fix with a stranger. I conjured up a truly despicable plan to keep doing it while she was away from her home. I knew when and where she worked, so I thought I could get away with it. My intentions were truly not good, but I’ve moved on from that.
Oh how good for you that you’ve moved on from ruining her life now you want to see how she is. Leave her alone. You’ve done enough by sleeping with her husband already.
Thank u for honesty. She had what u couldn't attain so u wanted to pulverize it to feel better. *Not such a great life if u easily seduced her husband, right?* Heartless to say "I've moved on" when u've destroyed her. ur s'posed to be who she turns to. Do u envy her now? Do u want a taste of what she's feeling? U downplay it, ur actions weren't "truly not good" they were depraved. Leave her alone.
This comment made me feel sick. Get some help.
And if she lets you back into her life, what’s to say you won’t do it again with her next partner?
this right here makes me think this is a troll
**Walk away.** You betrayed a friend and it's entirely likely that the friendship is over. Do NOT reach out to her. If she wants to call you to talk, then let her have her say BEFORE you say anything.
You’re the source of her pain. You’re also not her friend.
If you care about her at all you will never speak to her again.
while i understand that you feel guilty for your actions, your guilt is a self-focused response.
you behaved poorly and now you are experiencing distress because of this. an attempt to reach out to her at this stage would only serve the purpose of making yourself feel better.
and right now what is important is her feelings.
as the individual who is partially responsible for those feelings, you are not going to be able to alleviate them in any way. if she wishes to reach out to you, she will. you should not reach out to her.
let this be a lesson to you and resolve to do better in the future.
Say what? Of course you shouldn’t reach out to her. Is this even a serious question?
You were 50% responsible for causing her this pain and ending her marriage. The best way to show your concern for her feelings was by not sleeping with her husband.
Now you should just leave her alone.
Don't contact her again. You've done enough damage. The marriage may be doomed at this point, and being realistic, that's the most likely outcome. The friendship, have no doubts on that one whatsoever. You broke it. Don't say you feel terribly sorry for her - you don't. Don't say you can only imagine the pain she's going through - you can't. It's this inability on both counts which leads here in the first place. Doing this to someone you called a friend? Not the actions of a friend.
I think you’ve done enough damage for one day. Back tf off and let her process what you just told her. Damn.
If you truly cared about her you wouldn't of fucked her husband.....
Just leave her alone, let the guilt eat you up inside, but leave her alone.. Let her family and real friends look after her.
> I would love to make sure she’s ok, but again I’m having trouble discerning if I should reach out, and when.
With friends like you, who needs enemies? No, do not reach out, not now and not ever.
You should not reach out. She knows how to get in touch if she wants to. Reaching out now would be about salving your own conscience, not helping her.
Your job is to work on yourself, either alone or in therapy, to think about why you made the choices you did.
Should I make her feel worse?
Leave her the fuck alone! No, you CANNOT imagine the pain she's going throughf rom the betrayal from both her husband and so called 'friend'. The best you can do is dig yourself a hole and stay the fuck there.
Do not contact her again.
If she reaches out you can let her know you are there and will take anything she has to throw your way no matter how angry she is. But you do not need to appease your own guilt. Live with it.
If she goes to court, offer to explain the infidelity so she can have access to custody/alimony if it’s relevant. But there is nothing you can do that will fix this.
Absolutely not. I did it so he wouldn’t deny the affair, and doing it in person was the least I could do. I agree I’m a terrible human for doing this, but I’m trying to right my wrongs.
>but I’m trying to right my wrongs.
My comment and the intent is designed to give you the opportunity to be aware of what is going on.
Your affair was based in selfishness.
Telling your friend was based in selfishness.
Any desire to continue our friendship with your friend is based and selfishness.
The depths of your selfishness is something you want to look into. You're in deep. Very, very deep.
why did u do this? w/ your best friend's husband? why did it have to be him? did u think about how what u were doing would hurt ur bff at all? these are genuine questions. if u don't mind answering I want to hear ur side.
Of course not. I was the one that ended it.
Leave this woman alone. Do you have no concience. What did you tell her for? Are you and the husband planning on having a relationship, if not then you both should of kept your gobs shut and vowed to better people. Leave the poor wife alone, you just blew her world up and for what?
You are scum, the best thing you can do is leaver her the fuck alone. You didn’t care about her when you fucked her husband, and she doesn’t care about you now. It’s pretty simple.
Jeez what kind of person are you... I hope she ends up f****ing your future husband.. P. S if you get together with her ex don't be suprised when the next woman tells you he's been cheating on you with her.
Leave your 'friend' alone, she deserves better than both if you
You did the right thing in telling her. Now accept your friendship is almost certainly over, and you won’t be able to be a comfort. She’ll rebound.
Don’t hate yourself for this, we all learn. But stop fucking your friend’s husbands
>Don’t hate yourself for this, we all learn.
How is not fucking your friend's husband a lesson people need to learn? She betrayed and destroyed her friend, she absolutely SHOULD hate herself for that.
She knows she did a horrible thing. Do you want her to hate herself for rest of life over it.
What would that solve.
I, for one, don’t view myself as the worst thing I ever did.
Thank you. It’s really difficult not to hate myself right now.
You should be hating yourself
You should hate yourself, you quivering puddle of human failure. You should hate everything about yourself
You know it was bad, but I’d challenge all these people responding with anger to state the worst thing they’ve done. Easy to judge others for that, but not their self.
Learn to forgive yourself, hating yourself solves nothing
Are u fucking kidding me? Do you not realize the depths to how badly she destroyed her friend? She is supposed to be who the betrayed can turn to right now! This woman's whole view of her world has been rocked. She can't trust anything. Not herself b/c she clearly makes horrible decisions in husbands & friends, not her husband, not any "friends." She's humiliated. Confused. Questioning everything. Probably can't eat. Probably can't sleep. Going thru hell. And here u are patting the head of the person partially responsible. "There there, it's ok that u fucked up someone for life" Her actions were purposeful, motivated by hate & she should live w/that everyday for the rest of her life.
Agreed, it’s horrid. Why does ruining her life too make it better?
It's hateful. Depraved. Why is anyone punished for doing horrific things? Living every day remembering how she's figuratively punched & spit in a "friends" face isn't ruining her fucking life. Any decent person would despise themself yet she's up here trying not to hate herself & ur spearing her on.
Edited to add: OP said she wanted a "taste" of her friend's life. So hating herself is just a tiny taste. B/c I guarantee u her friend is hating herself right now. Probably contemplating life. Mentally fucked up & ur silly ass is telling OP to move on it's fine.
I guess it depends what theory of punishment you subscribe to. The only I’m interested in are deterrent, preventative, and reformative.
Our society largely uses the retributive theory of punishment, which I think only causes harm and does nothing for anyone.
It’s really a philosophical difference.
No argument from me that what she did is horrid. I just think she should feel bad enough to never do it again. I guess I’m concerned this can end up being something that traumatizes her for life. I see no point in that, though reasonable minds may differ
ya, the rest of us aren't concerned about OP being traumatized by her own purposefully hateful actions that she was well aware would decimate someone she fooled into thinking she was a friend. she wants a taste of the betrayed's life? then she can feel like shit b/c that's certainly only a little of what the betrayed's going thru. Patting this lady on the head, who still downplays the magnitude of the carnage she caused, is not motivating any of the outcomes u'd like to see.
and worst thing I ever did was pull too hard on my grandma's bed sheet knowing it would hurt her. I was around 12, it was early in the morning & I was an exhausted caretaker. I know all the reasons to forgive myself but the shame of that feeling of wanting to hurt her will never go away. Even unintentionally I don't like hurting ppl. So I can empathize w/OP's insecurities, but I'll have to read some self help books to understand the psychology of doing what she did.
Hey man, agree to disagree on punishment
I think people just disagree with your definition of "ruining her life". It's not ruining her life to face consequences for her actions, and if she's not able to forgive herself and move forward (aka not hate herself) that's a consequence of her actions.
By her comments, it doesn't seem like OP has really acknowledged that every action here was selfish, including telling her friend and wanting to reach out to her again. She's not doing to make sure her friend is genuinely okay, she's doing it to assuage her own guilt. And it definitely doesn't sound like she legitimately hates herself, that statements more like self-victimization than actual fact.
What were you hoping for with that? Did this seem like the right way to do this?
No, don't reach out. Anything else is just you making yourself feel better, not her.
Although since you did this in the first place, I suppose it's not out of the realm of possibility that you're enjoying her misery.
You we’re getting your back blown out by her husband. You think she wants to hear from you ever again? I’m curious to know what your motivation was to tell her. Did her husband break it off with you?
You can imagine her pain, but you still fucked her husband and now want to be part of her healing process. And you still have the audacity to call yourself 'friend'
I think you did enough, you despicable sack.
Get out of her life and find a cave to live in. Leave her alone so she can heal from being betrayed by her disgusting husband AND her former so-called friend.
Hope she tells everyone you know what you did so you end up alone. Hope your parents are proud.
Why would you reach out to her? You had an affair with her HUSBAND. I think it’s safe to say you’ve burned that bridge.
Dating a friends ex lover or even their crush etc is a boundary you don't cross let alone fucking their husband. You did a very shitty thing and you don't deserve anything from that girl. Leave her alone. You get to live with whatever guilt or shame you feel. She's obviously not ok? That's fucking traumatic.
Write her an apology letter. She needs someone (not you or her husband) to support her - like a family member or other friend - anyone you can contact ?
Ok. I've been on all three sides of that love triangle, years ago when I was young and stupider. People close to me abandoned me for years because of my choices, I've been harassed at home, law enforcement had to get involved...etc.
All this bullshit and your reasons aside. This is what you need to do.
Hold yourself accountable...WITHOUT the too little, too late "I'm-so-sorry-look-I'm-crying" bullshit. She don't give a shit about you right now and she certainly doesn't want the same hand that held her husband's dick, to hold her hand now in "comfort." You want to truly be merciful? Step away from her life, and do so quietly. Let her have some semblance of dignity, for Christ's sake.
Instead of hoeing it up, spend your time and money on self help books and therapy. You want to cut in front of the line and take something that someone *else* put in a lot of time and effort into cultivating? Too fucking bad. Whine and cry by yourself. Don't be that bitch, and grow some goddamn morals.
You are a piece of shet. You leave her alone forever and never talk to her again.
You told her because you wanted the marriage to end.
You were not her friend. If you were, you wouldn't have done any of that. Pathetic.
First of all, I think you did great in letting your friend know you had an affair with her husband. In this scenario, that's the best thing you could have done.
For now, I think it would be best to leave her be for the time being. You are (or possibly *were*, in this case) her friend. You betrayed her trust, and to top it off, you did it with her own husband. That's some serious stuff to deal with. Yes, she's in a great deal of pain. But as harsh as it may sound, you're not the right person to console her right now.
I'm assuming she has other friends and/or family to reach out to. Give it time, lots of time, before trying to reconcile. Be prepared for the possibility that you may never get your friend back. That's the risk you took though.
Just get a hold of the husband and see how she's is doing.